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PHOBIA LIBRARY

Read up on fear, panic and phobia to get a general overview of phobias and trauma and fear management. Learn mindfulness based self care principles and exercises for managing phobias from my books on trauma and self care.
JUMP TO A CHAPTER
​Fear | Function | Thought | Treatment | Coping
For Help See: Fear in the Brain | Fear Dictionary

THE LIBRARY TOPIC HOME PAGES
​
​Introduction to Trauma, Fear and Phobia
Part 1: ​Defining Fear and the Fear Response
Part 2: Emotional & Cognitive Functions of Fear
Part 3: Maladaptive Thought Processing
​Part 4: Professional Therapy & Mindful Self Care
​THE PHOBIA COLLECTION DOWNLOADS
​
Browse Collection of Phobias by Topic
Download Collection of Phobias
Download Dictionary of Fear and Phobia
Download Self Care Guides for Coping

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PART FOUR - TREATMENT​
​
​TREATMENT OPTIONS
MINDFUL SELF CARE
​
Learn the cognitive treatment options for self care centered in mindfulness, common defense mechanisms, boundaries, stressors, and strategies for coping with anxiety and panic for fear
TREATMENT | THERAPY | SELF CARE

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DOWNLOAD THE SELF CARE GLOSSARY

TREATMENT DIRECTORY

>> Treatment Home Page - Disclaimer
​

​PROFESSIONAL THERAPY OPTIONS
Make the Best of Professional Therapy
Search for Medical Professionals (external)
Therapy Options
  • Cognitive Behaviorial Therapy (CBT)
  • Exposure Therapy
  • ​Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT)
  • Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing (EMDR)
  • Online Therapy Fact Sheet
​INCORPORATING SELF CARE OPTIONS
​
SELF CARE: Defining What It Really Means
Core Elements of Mindfulness
  • ​Meditative Mastery of Breath Control
  • ​Repetition Fuels the Power of a Mantra
  • Principles of Mindfulness Meditation ​​
  • How Mindfulness Rewires Your Brain
  • Cognitive Benefits of Mindfulness
  • Mindful Self Care is Self Compassion
  • Strategies to Practice Mindfulness
  • Tips to Master Mindful Living
​Mindful Coping Strategies
  • ​​How We Cope With Stress
  • Armed With Self Defense Mechanisms ​
  • Defining and Enforcing Your Boundaries
  • ​Dealing With Stressors and Triggers​
  • Combat Strategies for Anxiety and Panic​ ​​​
​Self Care is not a substitute for professional therapy and treatment. Author is not a medical professional.

​RELATED SELF CARE GUIDES BY KAIROS
​View All Downloads
  • Promoting Mindful Self Care
  • ​Embracing Self Care Glossary
  • Principles of Mindfulness for the Soul
  • Mind Your Mindfulness Glossary
​ALL CONTENT PROVIDED BY MY BOOKS ON MINDFUL SELF CARE FOR TRAUMA AND FEAR
Download for Free Here

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SELF CARE

DEFINING AND ENFORCING BOUNDARIES

The beauty of self care centered in the meditative practice of mindfulness. Learn mindful coping mechanisms for managing anxiety, panic and fear.
Mindfulness practice is self care for the health and well-being for the mind, body and soul.
​

PRACTICE CHANGES BRAIN STRUCTURE
MINDFULNESS PROMOTES HEALING
NEXT >> STRESSORS AND TRIGGERS
​WEBSITE DISCLAIMER
Author is not a Medical Professional.
​Find a Medical Professional
Self Care is not a Substitute for Therapy
it works in collaboration with professional treatment

MINDFUL SELF CARE DOWNLOADS

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THE MINDFULNESS GLOSSARY
Promote a Mindful Approach to Self Care
Guide to Learn the Principles of Mindfulness
​ Companion Glossary of Mindfulness Terms
Collection of Mindfulness Poetry by Kairos​
Understanding and Coping With Stress
VIEW ALL DOWNLOADS

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ENFORCING BOUNDARIES

VIEW PROFESSIONAL THERAPY OPTIONS
VIEW THE COMPONENTS OF MINDFULNESS

NEXT >> STRESSORS AND TRIGGERS
WHAT ARE BOUNDARIES?
Personal boundaries are guidelines, rules or limits that you create to identify reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave towards you and how you will respond when someone passes those boundary lines. Think of your boundaries like a property line.

They are built out of a mix of your conclusions, beliefs, opinions, attitudes, and past experiences. Personal boundaries help to define your safety, likes and dislikes, and setting the distances you will allow others to approach. The goal is to reduce your hyperarousal, intense emotions like anger, and fear. Boundaries include physical, mental, psychological and spiritual boundaries centering on your needs, beliefs, emotions, gut instincts and intuitions and your self-esteem.

Personal boundaries operate in two directions, affecting both the incoming and outgoing interactions between people. These are sometimes referred to as the "protection" and "containment" functions.

The three most mentioned categories of values and boundaries are:

  • Physical: Personal space and touch considerations
  • Mental: Thoughts and opinions
  • Emotional: Feelings

TYPES OF BOUNDARIES

Soft: A person with soft boundaries merges with other people's boundaries. Someone with a soft boundary is easily a victim of psychological manipulation.

Spongy: a combination of having soft and rigid boundaries. They permit less emotional toxins than soft boundaries but more than those with rigid. People with spongy boundaries are unsure of what to let in and what to keep out.

Flexible: Like spongy rigid boundaries but the person exercises more control. The person decides what to let in and what to keep out, is resistant to emotional toxins and psychological manipulation, and is difficult to exploit.

Rigid: A person with rigid boundaries is closed or walled off so nobody can get close either physically or emotionally. This is often the case if you have been the victim of physical, emotional, psychological, or sexual abuse. Rigid boundaries can be selective which depend on time, place or circumstances and are usually based on experience in a similar situation.

You need to set limits on what people will do to you and what you will allow them to do for you. And you need to set boundaries for what you will do and how you will respond. You need to establish autonomy from being controlled by other people’s thoughts, feelings and problems.

Setting limits within yourself is where you have the most power. Basically, that means choosing what you participate in and knowing when to remove yourself from the situation.

Establishing and maintaining boundaries will improve your sense of security, stability, predictability and order. Personal boundaries encourage a more relaxed, nonjudgmental atmosphere and that the presence of boundaries do not conflict with the need for maintaining an understanding atmosphere. Anger and fear involve strong uncomfortable and emotional responses to a perceived provocation. They indicate when your personal boundaries are violated. Both may be utilized effectively by setting boundaries or escaping from dangerous situations.

WHY DO YOU NEED BOUNDARIES?

BOUNDARIES:

  • Allow you to be your true self
  • Create a separateness: they allow you to have your own feelings, make your own decisions, and know and ask for what you want without needing to please others.
  • Allow you to value your own feelings and needs and not be responsible for how others feel or behave.
  • Reduce stress: Boundaries allow you to let go of stress and worry about the feelings of others and place accountability in them.
  • Keep you from overextending yourself: Boundaries mean saying “no.”
  • Create realistic expectations: Whether it’s with a friend, spouse, neighbor, or boss, relationships function best with expectations. When you clearly communicate your boundaries, people know how they’re expected to behave. When expectations aren't communicated and met, your resentment and anger grow.
  • Promote safety: Boundaries provide physical and emotional safety by keeping out what feels unsafe, uncomfortable or harmful.
  • Can be the difference between feeling empowered or frustrated in your relationships: Giving yourself permission to set boundaries is the first step in taking better care of yourself.

FEEDBACK AND CONSEQUENCES
When a boundary is crossed, you need to provide feedback saying it’s not okay. The boundary becomes worthless if you don’t enforce it with feedback and consequences. Some people will easily accept a boundary and others will continue to challenge and escalate it. The specific consequences depend on the nature of the relationship and the relationship history.

WHAT PREVENTS YOU SETTING BOUNDARIES?

  • Fear: It’s scary to do something different. What are you afraid of? How likely is this to happen? What will happen if you set a boundary? What will happen if you don’t? By asking yourself questions like these, you can give yourself a reality check and find out if your fear is alerting you of real danger or keeping you stuck.
  • Ambivalence: Like fear, ambivalence represents that you aren’t 100% convinced that boundaries will solve your problem. Some ambivalence is fine. You don’t need to be 100% sure before you act.
  • You don’t know how: If you grew up in a family without boundaries, you probably never saw anyone teach you healthy boundaries. Setting boundaries is a skill that can be learned.
  • Low self-worth or self-esteem: Some part of you feels unworthy or unlovable. If you always struggle to prove your worth by putting other people’s needs before your own then you’re not used to being treated with respect, so you don’t even know what it looks like.
  • People-pleasing: You don’t want to ruffle feathers, disappoint people, you want to avoid conflict and further trauma at all costs. The truth is that setting boundaries does disrupt relationship systems. You will get resistance but sometimes this resistance isn’t as bad as you imagined. Other times, there is a real danger. If you think that setting a boundary will put you in serious harm, please get help.

Contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or http://www.thehotline.org/.

Setting healthy boundaries starts by shifting the focus from expecting someone else to change rather than taking care of yourself and what you need in the moment. Expecting others to do it for you isn’t realistic.

BOUNDARY MISCONCEPTIONS
Boundaries are about getting someone else to change. This often leads to more frustration and tension in relationships. You assume that people won't like or something bad will happen if you set boundaries. Your boundaries are limits you set for yourself about what you are willing to participate in. They aren't telling someone else what to do. Asking for what you need is healthy, but you have no control over the outcome. You only have the power to change yourself. Accepting this makes setting boundaries less stressful.

SETTING BOUNDARIES
Know what you want. If you tend to think of others before yourself, this becomes a challenge. Give yourself permission to figure out what you want. This may feel strange at first but the more you practice, the easier it gets. Journal writing can provide the clarity to identify wants and needs. Write out the boundaries you want to set.

SOME SIMPLE BOUNDARIES TO SET

  • Say no when asked to do something that will trigger you
  • Speak up. Focus on "I" statements by stating how you feel or what you need rather than expecting the other person to read your mind.
  • Remove yourself when things aren't safe or healthy. If you will lose your sense of safety or be otherwise triggered, leave the room, house or location. Remove yourself from the person triggering you.

LETTING GO
Setting limits increases self-esteem, self-worth and creates healthier relationships. However, there are times when it doesn't happen that way. Sometimes, people feel threatened and react negatively when boundaries are new. This happens with issues of power and control, or with codependent relationships.

If people cannot respect your boundaries (remember boundaries are about you not them), it may be time to re-evaluate the relationship. This is the hardest part of healthy change. Realizing that your relationships aren't serving you is the first step towards changing them.

As you learn to set boundaries, family and friends may not like it. Change can feel threatening and cause tension. Be Lpatient. Time will tell if the relationship can adapt to these changes. Speaking up and establishing limits can make you feel healthier, safer and they help you heal. People will respect you because you're teaching them how to treat you. They care about you so they should be ok with them.

Let go of the guilt: Guilt makes you do things that you don't want to do or are not safe for you to do. Don’t feel guilty about taking care of your mental health. Underneath the guilt lives a nagging thought that you don't have a choice. But you do! You just have to exercise it. Don't assume others will react negatively.

Start saying no: saying no is one of the most empowering acts of self-care you can do. It might be uncomfortable at first. By setting boundaries you are changing the dynamic or environment. Others might be surprised at first but if the relationship is healthy, they'll support you. The benefits far outweigh the negatives. When you can set healthy boundaries saying no means:

  • Keeping your hyperarousal in check.
  • Decreasing overwhelming feelings like intense emotions like anger and resentment.
  • Reducing your fear and keeping you safe from triggers and unhealthy circumstances
  • Giving yourself a chance to reboot or room to breathe. It alleviates stress. When you are constantly stressed it feels draining and creates a lingering resentment that hurts.

Ask for what you want: You can't set boundaries until you know what you want. Every time you get resentful, that's your clue. The "no" inside of you needs to be honored.

EXERCISES IN SETTING BOUNDARIES

EXERCISE: Think of five things that you need people to stop because it contributes to your phobia. Think of ways you could say no or ask them to stop. Write them down.

Let others do for themselves: Boundaries let other people take care of themselves. When you stop doing for others, you are giving them back the responsibility for their own life. Family and friend's behavior are no longer yours to fix.

EXERCISE: Think of five things you do for others that hurt you, make you afraid, trigger you or make you unsafe. Think of ways you could say no.

EXIT PLAN
Always have an exit plan: Setting boundaries means being honest about what you can and can't handle, what makes you trigger intense emotions, or what you can’t do because of flashbacks. Always have an exit plan to remove yourself from a conversation or environment.

Put yourself first: this is what setting healthy boundaries is all about - taking care of your needs and protecting your mental health.

10 STEPS FOR SETTING EFFECTIVE BOUNDARIES

Following these ten steps will help guide you toward setting and maintaining healthy boundaries.
  1. Start with tighter boundaries: It’s always easier to loosen up tight boundaries than it is to tighten loose boundaries.
  2. Clearly identify your boundary: Get really clear with yourself about what the boundary is that you need to set. If you aren’t clear, you won’t be able to communicate your expectations. A wishy-washy boundary is not effective. Spend time figuring out what you need before acting.
  3. Understand why you need the boundary: This is your motivation for setting the boundary. If you don’t have a compelling reason, why are you going to follow through with setting a boundary that’s out of your comfort zone?
  4. Be straightforward: Don’t be cryptic or vague thinking you’re going to spare someone’s feelings or avoid a conflict. The kindest and most successful approach is to be direct. Say what you mean and mean what you say.
  5. Don’t apologize or give long explanations: This kind of behavior undermines your authority and gives the impression that you’re doing something wrong that requires an apology or justification.
  6. Use a calm and polite tone: Keep your own anger in check. Don’t try to set boundaries in the middle of an argument. You want your message to be heard. Yelling, sarcasm, or a condescending tone all put others on the defensive and distract from the real issues.
  7. Address boundary violations early: Small problems are always easier to manage. Don’t wait until someone’s violated your boundary a dozen times before you speak up. It’s not fair to assume that others know your boundaries until you’ve explained them. Nor is it fair to “change the rules.”
  8. Don’t make it personal: Setting a boundary isn’t a personal attack.
  9. Use a support system: Starting to set boundaries is tough. It can bring up a lot of questions, uncomfortable feelings, and self-doubt. Having a support system is invaluable whenever you’re doing something challenging. Ask someone you trust for help.
  10. Trust your intuition: Be sure to slow down and tune into yourself. Pay attention to what you’re feeling. What is your gut telling you? If it feels wrong, make a change.

Mindful Coping Strategies
  • ​​How We Cope With Stress
  • Armed With Self Defense Mechanisms ​
  • Defining and Enforcing Your Boundaries
  • ​Dealing With Stressors and Triggers​
  • Combat Strategies for Anxiety and Panic​ ​​​

This content is provided for informational purposes only. Author is not a medical professional. Talk to your doctor to determine what therapy is right for you.
Self care techniques are meant to supplement professional treatment not replace it.
PRIME DIRECTIVE OF THE LEARNING LIBRARY


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BROWSE PHOBIA COLLECTION​
​Phobia collection is presented in eight themed parts

​VIEW LIST INDEX or ​JUMP TO A PART
PART [ 1 ] [ 2 ] [ 3 ] [ 4 ] [ 5 ] [ 6 ] [ 7 ] [ 8 ]

START PHOBIA COLLECTION
PHOBIA COLLECTION BY TOPIC​
common
~ abstract ~ ordinary ~ bizarre ~ catastrophic ~ psyche ~ icky - academic ~ knowledge ~ education ~ literary ~ art ~ music ~ religion ~ political ~ law ~ order military ~ war ~ discrimination ~ science ~ chemical ~ energy ~
time ~ numbers ~ technology ~ nature ~ environment ~ astronomy ~ weather ~ geography ~ people ~ family ~ community ~ anatomy ~ medical ~ disease ~ emotions ~ senses ~ sensations ~ movement ~ conditions~ love ~ relationships ~ sexuality ~ lifestyle ~ places ~ events ~ objects ~ clothing ~ tools ~ vehicles ~ home ~ cooking ~ food ~ entertainment ~ sports ~ recreation ~ toys ~ games ~ monsters ~ characters ~ spooky ~ nightmares ~ delusional ~ joke ~ fiction

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DOWNLOAD PONDERING THE PHOBIA
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Now Available for​ Download for Offline Reading
All the phobias in one download. Browse by both topic/subject and by alphabetized list
Download/Share: http://bit.ly/ponderingphobia

​OTHER PHOBIA AND FEAR DOWNLOADS:
​Dictionary of Trauma, Phobia and Fear
Self Care Guides for Fear & Phobias
​
​​
DOWNLOAD PHOBIA COLLECTION

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Library articles provided by my series Healing the PTSD Mind ​ and my series on mindfulness based self care Be Mindful Be Well​. The books are written from a trauma perspective. Content applies to fear, phobias and panic. Learn self care treatments with mindfulness techniques.
BE MINDFUL. BE WELL.
​Books copyright 2021 by By Kairos
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  • Beautifully Obscure Words
    • Tracing the Etymology of a Word
    • Typing the Typeface of Writing Types
    • WORD LIST: Feelings and Emotions >
      • FEATURE: Our Capacity for Love
    • FEATURED WORD LIST COLLECTIONS
    • BEAUTIFUL WORD LISTS
    • WORD LIST: Translating Your World >
      • Index of Untranslatable Words (Alphabetical)
  • WORD LIST: Rolling Log of Beautiful Words
  • WORD LIST: The Languages From Around the World
    • FEATURE: Words of the World >
      • DEFINING LOVE with a French Romance >
        • Fantastic Flair of Everyday French - Nature
  • IT’S ABOUT TIME! Website Housekeeping
    • FULL SITE INDEX - SITEMAP - All the Beautiful Words
    • A SERIES OF BEAUTIFUL WORDS - My Vocabulary Books and Blogs >
      • Download - The Logophile Lexicon - Words About Words
  • WORD LIST: People, Places and Things
    • To Sleep Perchance to Dream
  • WRITING SYSTEMS